By Elaine Sine
When I was younger, I was always curious why my sister, a UIUC student at the time, had her spring break before mine. It was inconvenient because we couldn’t spend as much time together, so I asked her why Illinois did this. She told me the school had to make sure spring break and St. Patrick’s Day overlapped because students kept going to class drunk on the holiday. Then she talked to me about the student-created replacement for St. Patrick’s Day and what typically occurred during the “Unofficial” celebration: students could get drunk during school and, consequently, still go to class drunk.
It was one of the first things I learned about UIUC and the culture that thrives here. It gave me an idea of UIUC’s atmosphere for partying and drinking, and when I finally came here myself, I understood how tightly Unofficial was embraced by students. The thrill of alcohol can literally bring someone down to their knees (sometimes hands and knees, bent over on the side of Green Street puking in front of McDonald’s), but that thrill is escalated when you can start drinking in the morning before your classes! In honor of those stumbling, loud and most importantly inebriated students, let me provide you with a short and sweet list of things to do when you come to class drunk:
1.) You don’t want people to see that lazy stare in your eyes! Plus, when someone’s talking to you, you want them to think you’re actually comprehending what they’re saying; your eyes give that all away. Therefore, make sure to have a pair of sunglasses handy. They will hide all signs that you’re drunk out of your mind. Plus, it’s completely normal to wear sunglasses inside. Very practical.
2.) The smell. How will you keep the smell of your Fireball breath from permeating the entire room? Don’t worry; just stock up on all the mints you can stuff in your empty backpack (you’re not going to take notes, so don’t bother bringing your notebooks. It just takes away space for your mints). Plus, if you’re tempted to talk and risk your professor knowing that you are, in fact, wasted, just pop in a piece of gum so your mouth is distracted from any other function.
3.) If you came to class because the course has a mandatory attendance policy, make sure to show your head to the professor during attendance and then duck down, not make eye contact and scribble on a piece of paper until class is over.
4.) Take frequent bathroom breaks. Need to throw up? Bathroom break. Feel like you’re going to fall asleep and don’t want anyone to notice? Bathroom break. Professor called on you to answer his question? Bathroom break.
5.) Or, you know, just don’t come to class. If you’re not in a state to learn and participate, do yourself a favor by staying at home and trying to sleep it off. If your class has mandatory attendance, this is one of the days that you should use your get-out-of-class-free supply that most courses will have; better yet, don’t drink in the morning before class.
This is a humor piece.