By Alfonso tha Waterboi and Karma Soo-Li
Anyone who says Unofficial isn’t the best thing to the University of Illinois is a pussy. It’s managed to get kids from all over the country to flock to Bumblefuck, Illinois for years, and 2014 will be no exception.
Granted, it’s been shittier in recent years because the administration and cops are doing everything in their power to bust just about anybody they suspect to be enjoying themselves, and bars are all 21 and over. So if you’re looking to turn up while at the same time reducing your risk of getting a ticket/getting thrown in the slammer/dying, then play it safe and do it at a private residence (i.e. apartment or fraternity/sorority house). I can’t guarantee that your party won’t blow asschunks, but you can make it a little less shitty if you bump these five bangers while clanking your green beers that you all pretend to like.
Arguably the best lyricist since someone popped a cap in 2Pac, 2 Chainz is the definition of bonafide party rap. Produced by Mike Will Made It (the man responsible for any rap song that will drop your bitch’s panties in a heartbeat), this club banger will get even the most prude asshole on his feet and throwing gang signs like he’s a seasoned pro. The beat’s got a sick nasty thump, the rhymes are comical yet mean, and the song’s just got an all-around “no-fucks-given” attitude. Truth be told, anybody who claims that they “bought a new crib just to fuck you in” is an automatic staple for a day of nonstop debauchery like Unofficial.
2. “Eat Sleep Rave Repeat (Calvin Harris Remix)” – Fatboy Slim & Riva Starr
Seriously, people: a song with this title doesn’t even need any explaining. Look at the name of the song, and plan your Unofficial itinerary around something that resembles it. Hit up some shitty pizza place on Green Street, take a quick nap here and there, but never forget to drink consistently (I would go for an average of 4-5 shots an hour before you hit up the night kegger where you’ll really get fucked up), and repeat the cycle. This is an EDM song with some guy narrating his crazy fucked up night, with a steady buildup leading to an exciting bass-heavy drop at each chorus. And for our friends who want to take the “rave” part of the song literally, we just want to remind you that ecstasy does yield a heavier punishment than alcohol. But then again, we’re not your mom.
3. “212” – Azealia Banks
This song came out in 2011, and this bitch has yet to drop her full-length album, much to our dismay. But she better make it quick, because if the other songs are anything like “212”, then it’s gonna be the most on point shit ever released. Azealia Banks is a rapper with a flow more bubbly than Nicki, yet her confidence is always in check, and you just know you don’t wanna start anything with this Harlem (get it, 212?) emcee. With a drum beat that sounds like the lovechild of reggae and 70s disco on top of Azealia’s slick rhymes about ruining c*nts’ lives, this one is bound to get the bitches on the dance floor in a heartbeat. She even slows it down a bit on the bridge to sing a bit before the music builds up and she arrogantly proclaims, “Bitch, the end of your lives are near. This shit been mine, mine.” And it sure as hell is.
4. “#SELFIE” – The Chainsmokers
What’s the point of you getting completely shitfaced if you can’t make sure everyone on Facebook knows it, right? Enter “#SELFIE” by The Chainsmokers. This one’s another EDM song, but this time, it’s some sleazy bimbo talking about what all sluts talk about after one too many whiskey cokes (texting random guys and bootycalls and Instagram filters and cheetah print dresses). The song gradually builds up while she’s talking, before she proclaims, “But first…lemme take a selfie,” and the beat drops. Like, DROPS. Drops into a catchy chorus bump that sounds eerily similar to something Psy would make (but better, of course). This song, with all of its modern pop culture references and awesome music video is definitely gonna go viral in the next few weeks, so make sure you get on it before Kiss FM ruins it.
5. “Doses & Mimosas” – Cherub
Yes, we’re slowing things down a bit. This one’s got a trippy vibe to it, with electronic whirs and a hypnotizing chorus accompanied by a bass guitar. Falsetto vocals and lyrics like “doses and mimosas, champagne and cocaine, help to get me through” make for a great combination – all culminating into a chorus that loudly announces, “To all the bitch ass hoes that hate me the most…I hate you too.” Play after you take at least six shots of Jameson followed by three bong hits. Disclaimer: for those of you who want to take the “doses” part of the song literally, remember that, like ecstasy, cocaine carries a greater punishment than alcohol. But then, again it is Unofficial, right?
The Spread 