Listen to this: 4 songs for an x-rated Valentine’s Day

By John Wong

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, most of you will be single and alone. But a small minority of you will have a special someone – girlfriend/boyfriend, friend with benefits, prostitute, etc. to spend this very special day with. I’m not going to bore you with a sappy history about this holiday. All that matters is that on February 14, those of you with a significant other will be having sex. Lots of casual, no-strings-attached sex. Here’s a list of babymaking melodies to make this Valentine’s Day the sluttiest one yet.

1. “Marry the Pussy” — R. Kelly

Starting things off with a slow, but awesomely sexual ditty. When he’s not pissing on underage girls, R. Kelly is making R&B albums titled “Black Panties” with songs about marrying female genitalia. This is the kind of song you put on after you sprinkle rose petals around the Jacuzzi, pour some bubbly, and light some candles before both of you climb into the water and board a one-way train to Passionate Sex City. And it will be passionate; the beat is slow enough so that both of you can savor each second of the lovemaking.

2. “Play” by David Banner

This one’s for the guys and extremely slutty girls. David Banner is known for a lot of things (like testifying before Congress advocating for misogyny in hip-hop music) but being subtle is not one of them. Within 10 seconds of hitting play on this dirty south rap banger, listeners hear Banner begging some bitch to “Cum girl, I’m tryna get the pussy wet.” The thumping beat and filthy lyrics will kick any couple’s sex drives through the ceiling. If “Marry the Pussy” was Passionate Sex City, “Play” is Pound Town. Play this jingle if both of you are freaks in the sheets, or if S&M is on the list tonight.

3.  “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd

Throwing it back to a classic song about a man wanting to fuck the shit out of a random chick. Smooth beat, sultry falsetto vocals, and the ever-catchy chorus of “oohs” will flood any woman’s panties any day, and give every couple on Valentine’s Day an unforgettable night of midtempo porking.

4. #GETITRIGHT” by Miley Cyrus

We’ve sort of been neglecting the ladies so far, so this one’s for the ones who put the “v” in “V-Day”. Trust us, guys: nothing’s sexier than a song where Miley Cyrus narrates her own orgasms. With lyrics about being flooded with uncontrollable horniness and dancing like a total ho in the mirror sans panties, this song presents the perfect opportunity to see how far you, as a woman, am willing to go for your man. It’s got an old-school floppy vibe (engineered by Pharrell, of course) that’s sure to put a smile on both guy and girl’s face as you fuck like jackrabbits circa 1959.

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