The Spread

By Kim Gleeson

Text message break ups are like hooking up with the hot man whore or slut on the floor: always tempting, but NEVER a good idea. The only time it is ever even slightly acceptable to break up with your significant other via text is if you have been dating for less than a month or if there is absolutely no other form of communication available, which is highly unlikely. If you absolutely must break up with someone via text message, at least follow the do’s and don’ts for a clean break.

DO’s

Be blunt. Leave no room for misinterpretation. The phrase “I want to (or better yet) I am breaking up with you” needs to be in there. Forget the “I want to see other people,” or “this isn’t working for me anymore.” Leave out the “kind of,” “sorta,”  and “might not be working” and use the most direct words you can think of so there is no question if you’re still together or not: the break up was made crystal clear.

Respect any requests to talk. Even if you are completely against talking in person, give them a quick ten minute Skype sesh. It will give you ex the closer they need thereby getting them out of your life that much quicker. Also, if they are confused why things didn’t work out, this is your opportunity to explain briefly why, as T Swift says, “never ever ever get back together.”

Realize that the possibility of being friends after a text message break up is not possible. Your significant other will more than likely lose all respect for you; face it, it’s a really cowardly way to break up with someone. If their friends find out or any mutual friends, they will also probably take your ex’s side because of the method of break up. Seriously think twice before you take the least personal, easiest route for a break up because it will have a lasting effect on how you are viewed after.

DON’TS

Do not go into too much detail; keep it short and as painless as possible. Do not try to go into all of the issues that tore apart your relationship because the details will be misinterpreted via text, which is confusing for your ex and frustrating for you. If there are serious, complex issues, you need to talk about it in person.

Do not use any emoticons. DO not try to appear upset by sending a frowny or crying emoticon; you’re breaking up via text, you’re obviously not too torn up about it. And don’t you dare send a smiley face! No matter how big of a sleazebag jerk your soon to be ex is, rise above it and avoid rubbing your happiness about your shattered relationship in their face.

Do not text them anything that you would not want anyone else reading. You can deny what you say, but if you break up via text, it’s saved on you ex’s phone for them to show whoever they want.  Precisely why you should avoid details at all costs and keep out and avoid using any low blows, breaking up over a text is low enough.

Do not send a break up text while you are drinking. You aren’t going to be thinking straight, you’re wording and spelling if going to be sloppy making it confusing and even more insulting for your ex. It’s also really pathetic that you can’t break up with them sober.

If you can avoid a text message break up, do it at all costs because even though it is an easy way to break up with someone, it has long term consequences. You can’t just text away your problems.