The Spread

By Cassidy Williams

When I was going through my awkward preteen years, watching Disney Channel or Nickelodeon was a nightly ritual. As I sat on my couch picking popcorn out of my braces, I always routed for the protagonist to end up with the heartthrob. Every show had one: that guy that was generally known throughout school as the “hot” one. He was that guy that every girl wanted, often played sports and rarely had brain cells.

Ladies, I know we all thought it: why don’t guys at my school look like that?

In retrospect,  I think these heartthrobs were just as awkward as we were — thankfully. So, let’s take a quick trip down memory lane and figure out why we were so attracted to these boys.

1. Logan- Zoey 101

The stereotypical “bad boy” at PCA (Pacific Coast Academy).  How could anyone forget how in the pilot episode, he smoothly walks up to Zoey and asks “Wanna make-out?”  Logan was what every girl wanted in a guy: long, greasy hair, a surfer necklace, a man bracelet and a rich daddy.

2. Seth — Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide

Seth was the ultimate jock at James K. Polk Middle School. He was constantly spinning a basketball and never had anything intelligent to say.  We were all jealous when he wanted to take Mosely to the school dance. That middle part would have looked great in scrapbook pictures.

 3. Ethan Craft — Lizzie McGuire

His hair could have captured hearts all on its own.  Ladies, I give us a little credit for this one because he showed potential.  Seriously though, why did these boys wear so many necklaces? Puka shells were so 2004. Bonus: Remember the episode where he told Lizzie McGuire’s parents the secret to his shiny, glossy hair? Lather, rinse but don’t repeat. 

 4. Jake Bahari — Unfabulous 

Rocking the Justin Bieber haircut long before it was popular, Jake deserved every creepy song Addie wrote for him.

 5. Jake — Hannah Montana

The boy who knew the best of Miley’s both worlds. I’d first like to give him some credit for not wearing a necklace and stylin’ this layered look. If only he got a haircut, he could maybe be attractive.