By John Wong and Christina Masterson
Twerking is more than just a dance; it is a way of life.
Then came Miley Cyrus.
As you can see from Cyrus’ transition from innocent Disney Channel star to softcore porn twerking dominatrix, it is a religion, and she is the high priestess of the Church of Twerkingism.
For those of you reading who don’t know what twerking is, here is the Urban Dictionary definition: “the act of moving/shaking one’s ass/buns/bottom/buttocks/bum-bum in a circular, up-and-down, and side-to-side motion, basically a slutty dance derived from strip clubs; when a girls’ ass moves like a bowl of Jell-O”.
Interestingly enough, “twerk” was recently added to the Oxford English dictionary following Cyrus’ very controversial twerk-heavy performance at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards. Many people think that she is a twerking queen; she invented twerking. However, twerking has its roots in traditional African dance, and later became integrated into early ‘90s hip-hop culture, i.e. in slutty music videos. The fad lasted for a few years, and other dance moves came into the spotlight. Then, hip-hop artists along the likes of Juicy J and Waka Flocka Flame, began spitting rhymes about twerking and “making your ass clap”. Then came the Twerk Team, which features female dancers with fat rumps twerking to beat-heavy rap music.
Cyrus changed her entire image using the controversial dance style. She went from Hannah Montana to Alexis Texas 2.0 in a matter of a few minutes. As soon as her beautiful, luscious locks of hair were severed from her beautiful, innocent face she went “downhill.” I suppose “downhill” is a matter of opinion, but as far as I’m concerned going from popular teen idol to crack-head porn star is not an improvement. Despite having no definition of the gluteus maximus, Cyrus has deemed twerking as her signature move. Apparently, possessing a defined ass is not a requirement for twerking in modern society.
Girls all around the world have attempted the raunchy dance style, many failing to succeed. Girls (and guys alike) need to realize that to twerk, you do in fact need to have an ass. No, not all butts are created equal. Reactions to Cyrus’ multiple attempts at twerking are especially yielding negative results, and not just because she has no ass and therefore should not even be twerking in the first place. Parents and “Hannah Montana” fans everywhere are repulsed by Cyrus’ provocative new twerk-heavy image. This is not to say there are no success stories.
There are opportunities such as the one Juicy J is offering to the best female twerker. He is offering a scholarship of $50,000 to the best female twerker and so success can come to those who twerk.
If you think you’re the best twerker, send all video clips to firstname.lastname@example.org. Participants must be 18 and older.